GOOD TO THE LAST DROP


JackPalance rexfeatures_1064853a

In Viet Nam, I bought kopi luwak, a coffee made from coffee beans that had been eaten by Asian palm civets, weasel-cats that eat the ripe coffee berries and then poop them out. It had a distinctive taste, not unpleasant, but it wasn’t something I was crazy enough about to justify the inflated price.

Now Thailand has discovered that people will pay a premium for coffee beans retrieved from elephant poop.  I guess Thailand is known for elephants and like the civets they too can be induced to eat coffee beans. I have not yet sampled coffee processed in this way, but I imagine it will share some attributes of the Vietnamese coffee, but with its own distinctive elephantine edge.

Maybe various celebrities could be induced to swallow coffee beans whole and then workers could later painstakingly retrieve them from their celebrated turds. Justin Bieber and Beyonce come to mind. If A list celebrities decline to participate, we could open the talent pool to the semi-famous, has-and-might-have-beens, including former TV and radio stars of yesteryear. I would like to volunteer my services if it comes down to that.

And my last name is Coffey.  Not a big stretch to imagine Coffey Poop Coffee. “It tastes as good as it smells bad.” Be the first on your block to experience the distinctive aroma that says “Squeeze off a log to pour me a cup that’s lip-smackin’ good.”

I’m reminded of the motto that Thunderbird wine used.  It was (and maybe still is) a fortified cheap wine favored by true winos.  They didn’t care much about taste, all they cared about was effect.  And the makers of Thunderbird knew that.  They hired Jack Palance to do their TV ads.  While Orson Wells was touting Gallo, pompously promising no wine before its time, Jack was promoting Thunderbird.  “Thunderbird…its goes down kicking” he growled, grinning maniacally.

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